Fear
by Flight of Folly
Summary: At a time when his country needs him the most, Jack’s greatest fear threatens to overwhelm him.


**SPOILER WARNING: Up to Season 6, Episode 7.**

**Disclaimer: **All '24' characters and events are the property of Fox; I can only claim ownership of the interpretations represented below.

**Setting:** This story focuses around Jack's thoughts in Season 6, Episode 7 during the interrogation of Graem Bauer. Some references to earlier episodes and seasons will occur.

**A/N:** This story is a one-shot that comes from a sudden epiphany I had this week in my drive to comprehend the intricacies of Jack Bauer. Any feedback on whether I have indeed obtained any real understanding would be greatly appreciated!

_Fear _

_12:33 am _

Holding onto his brother, a person whose weak personality and petty character he had disliked for many years, Jack could feel Graem's body tensing in shock from the pain it was being subjected to. His intimate proximity made Graem's screams all the more shocking. From personal experience, Jack understood the pain that Graem was currently enduring and he was acutely aware that he was responsible for administering that pain via the torture drug hyocine-pentothal. He didn't hate his brother; he held Graem in so little esteem that he didn't consider him worth the time or emotional energy to truly detest. However, Graem was his brother, he was family, someone who Jack had grown up with and looked out for even though at home he had often bullied his younger brother. But any fights between them had been minor and mostly due to their vastly different outlooks and personalities.

Jack had never enjoying torturing people, it simply boiled down to the quickest and most efficient means of obtaining information. And with the lives of thousands of innocent civilians on the line, Jack didn't have the luxury of time to try other less violent and invasive methods. He didn't have the time to yield to weakness. But he felt it just the same. Waves of emotions washed over him as he held his brother tight offering the only comfort he could provide in the current situation. He felt pity for Graem and the pain he was suffering, he felt frustrated at the position he had been placed in by his brother's actions, and he felt rage at his brother's actions driven by greed and carelessness. And then there was the fear. Fear was the emotion that Jack was the most afraid of, for it was the ultimate sign of weakness. It was the lack of belief in himself and his principles that lead to the inability to act in a decisive and strong manner to which he was accustomed. Fear was the emotion that started to slowly overtake him during his imprisonment in China. He had struggled to hold strong and refuse to give up to his captors and talk, or die at their hands. For this would mean that he conceded, that he had given up the fight, the most important fight, the internal battle against his greatest enemy: fear. Jack knew he couldn't escape the Chinese, and that his eventual death by their hands was inevitable but he couldn't let himself yield to it. So each minute of every day, he forced himself to fight back against the fear that was creeping into the deepest corners of his sole. For he could still remember that day, many years previous, when he had learnt that all-important lesson: the thing to fear the most, is being afraid of fear itself.

He was twelve at the time and had been studying karate for three years. It was a Saturday class, his first training session with the adults, many who where at least twice his size and the lesson had been kumite (sparring). In the kids' classes absolutely no contact was allowed but for the adults' class they practiced with 50 contact. This hadn't fazed Jack in the least; in fact, he had been looking forward to starting real kumite since he had first watched his Sensei spar with one of the black belts. So he had stepped up to each new opponent ready and eager to fight. For the most, he had been seriously outclassed but that hadn't stopped him from trying every kick and punch technique he knew. At the end of the lesson, Sensei Perry called each member of the class up, one by one, and asked them to punch him. Jack was the third person; he walked up and faced his instructor, meeting his eyes Jack saw the calm look of someone who was completely at ease, the idea of being hit didn't frighten him. Jack threw his best punch and returned to his place to watch those that followed; many of them threw weak punches intimidated by the situation. Despite many of the guys being much bigger, stronger and younger than Sensei Perry, his instructor didn't blink nor flinch, as Jack watched on in awe. When everyone had thrown a punch, Sensei Perry addressed the class explaining that the most important factor to winning any battle in life, physical or otherwise, a street fight or a school exam, was your determination to fight your own fear of that battle and try your best. Maybe you wouldn't be successful in the battle itself but you would have given it your best shot and you would have won against your inner demons.

An intense jerk by Graem dragged Jack's thought quickly back to the present. Forcing his mind back to the task at hand he quietly explained what would come if Graem didn't co-operate. Gently pleading with him to help them find McCarthy, CTU's only active lead to Fayed and the four nukes. His desperate plea not only failed to induce Graem to talk but also served as a sharp reminder to Jack how far the fear had overtaken him. But he continuing begging until Graem's own accusation raised his ire. Yelling at Graem now, he released his anger at his own weakness and forced himself to return to his intimidating unyielding persona. The CTU agent who got the job done, who understood that the ends does justify the means, who knew that on a scale of thousands of lives, Graem was expandable even if he was Jack's brother. His belief in his ability to carry out the necessary tasks to adhere to these principles of his work had been something that he had been questioning for the duration of this day filled with difficult decisions and impossible situations. First there had been the double agent Omar, whose torture had brought back vivid memories of his own suffering at the hands of the Chinese. If it had not been for the dogmatic persistence of Assad, the terrorist who wished to turn statesman, they would never have found the drop which had yielded the vital intel of the nuclear threat they were facing.

Then there had been Curtis, a man that Jack had worked closely with and respected. A man whose personal worth was many times that of Assad. But in terms of saving thousands, Curtis could not broker the same degree of peace that Assad's proposed actions stood to bring. Despite knowing those facts, he had for several minutes completely surrendered to his fear… lying curled up on the ground, a slender tree trunk for support, he allowed self-doubt at his ability to overcome him. Even after Bill's reassurances he had remained firmly in the grips of fear and confessed to being unequal to the task. And for those few minutes he lay dejected on the ground, ready to give up, to let the fear win. And then the nuclear bomb had been detonated in Valencia, an area in which Kim had once lived, in a city which he had spent a large part of his life fighting to keep safe from terrorists. Those thoughts turned his mind away from its path of self-pity and loathing, and as he starting walking and witnessing the panic amongst the general population, he knew that the battle was not over yet. His country still needed him and this call was one he couldn't ignore, it had been his drive for so long, his inspiration and motivation and the reason he could face his inner demons. And for the last couple of hours, he had been successful in quelling the demons of fear even when his family came into the picture dragging up memories of Terri, who death he still felt overwhelming grief and guilt for. But that all changed with Graem's confession.

The waves of guilt and hopelessness at the deaths of David Palmer, Tony and Michelle, hit Jack at full force, causing him to sit down as the weight of his emotions were so heavy as to physically overwhelm him. But Graem's taunts, his insinuations quickly drew Jack's anger and he reacted to the situation in the only way he knew how. He drew his gun and responded in violence, ordering the CTU agent to inject a lethal amount of hyocine-pentothal. And he would have gone through with it, he would have extracted his revenge even though past history told him that it would not ease the pain nor change the past. Shooting Nina had not abated the guilt of Teri's death, killing Henderson had not changed David, Michelle, or Tony's fate. So his brother's death wouldn't either. It was not his logic that swayed him but, ironically, it was the sight of his estranged father, a man whose good opinion he neither sought nor wanted, that caused him to pause and rethink he actions. Later as he told his father not to feel responsible for Graem's actions, advice he wished he could make himself take, he settled for the only method of easing the pain he knew. He then returned his thoughts to tracking McCarthy; work was the only reason he had to keep fighting those demons, to keep the fear at bay.

**Dedication:** To Sensei Perry, who planted the seed of the idea behind this story, and who has been a source of both inspiration and many hours challenging training for the past eleven years.


End file.
